Fluoxetine :: Fear Of Surroundings And Strange Feelings

Hi - on fourth day of flu. Doctor prescribed them after telling him of my increasing inability to cope with just about everything. I am a hairy arsed truck driver and a few weeks ago started to have to think about things that would normally have been second nature - an example is when approaching a set of traffic lights I can see that a red light is showing but I have to think to myself 'does that mean stop or go'?. So far nothing untoward has happened thankfully - so I made the appointment with the Doctor before anything did. He promptly signed me off for two weeks!!

I had a similar problem eight years ago, a few months after a heart attack and 9/11. I was absolutely terrified of everything. I couldn't even go near a McDonald for fear of them being a terrorist target (no great loss there then!!).

Then as now I would start crying at the drop of a hat - though this time I have managed to hide it from the family. At work I find myself in a layby,head in hands and sobbing like a baby and wondering if it's all worth it.

I don't really feel suicidal - I'm too scared to try anything in case it goes wrong and I end up a cabbage !!. My wife is an absolute gem in these times as she is under a similar pressure to me but copes with it far better than me. Perhaps it's the 'man the provider' scenario that affects me as I feel I should be able to provide for my family better than I do. The wife had a few weeks 'between jobs' but had agency work here and there so we got a bit behind with things like the rent and HP payments on the car etc. I do all the overtime that I legally can (being an HGV driver means you can only work so many hours by law). She has a permanent full time job again now thankfully so I know things will slowly improve over time but I still can't get rid of the feeling that I have let the family down and that we wouldn't have been put in this situation if I had done something - but what?.

As you can tell my problems are 90% financial. Theory says that now we have more money coming in again that things will improve. That's what I keep telling myself anyway. Even though I am signed off I am still worrying about work - is somebody doing my work properly - are they looking after my truck? etc.

As for the 'flu (20's) I have only been on it for a short time as you know but yesterday morning (3rd day) was awful - I felt as though I had swallowed some razor blades that were churning away in my guts cement mixer fashion. That seems to have subsided now - but now my poo smells!!. Oh well - we cant have everything. The only time I seem to be 'at ease' i.e. stress free is when I take the dogs for a walk. I like to go where there is nobody around - away from it all - and preferably not see another soul. But I have always been a bit solitary - I've always preferred my own company - perhaps that is part of the problem. When I used to do long distance work I may not have spoken to anyone for two or three days - bliss!!. My wife doesn't understand this as she is very much a 'people person'. Even now, I work alone and if I run into somebody (not literally) I start to feel tense just in case they say 'good morning'. I am willing them not to say anything because I feel that if they do they are invading my space. If they do say something I am always polite and respond of course as that's the way I've been brought up but inside I am saying 'You bastard - why did you have to talk to me - leave me alone and bugger off'.